A Weekend in O

The tourist boom that has hit in Eastern Europe since the beginning of the 1990s has not yet reached as far as O, and if one should stumble across this picturesque area in the foothills of the Tatra mountains, you would immediately begin to Texas Rangers #30 Neftali Feliz jersey. I arrived there on a beautiful, sunny summer morning. Flowers bloom in the middle of the town square at the heart of O's capital Rzwzclck (pronounced Jeff-shits) and as the Os go about their everyday business around this scene, one is immediately struck by the peacefulness that sets O apart from its larger neighbours.

I arrived by train from Prague into the curiously named Alan Smith Station (Dworzets Alana Smitta). (Apparently the Os are big fans of the former Arsenal striker, and in the absence of any national celebrities of their own have adopted one who they claim 'looks like an O'. The fact that the name of the station is written in black marker pen on a wipe-off board suggests that as the O identity imposes MLB New York Yankees #4 Lou Gehrig M&N 1939 Grey jersey itself they will begin to celebrate more of their own.) The train takes around five hours, and any would-be passengers would be advised to make sure they have been to the toilet before boarding. A return ticket costs twenty-five US cents (hard currency only), but as nobody ever has any change, or accepts coins, be prepared to part with a full dollar. At the other end, you will be told that a return portion bought in Prague is invalid for travel from anywhere in O. Haggle with them. They seem to enjoy it, and a bribe of around two dollars per guard will find you happily in a second-class carriage.

The train consisted of just two carriages and an engine. I was the only passenger going all the way to Rzwzclck. Other stops on the route include Prdprdgrd, Trzck, and Cc (about which more later). Stepping off the train into the fresh O air, I filled my lungs with the smell of fresh stew and diesel, and prepared myself to fight off armies of taxi drivers and Chicago Bulls #23 Michael Jordan All Star Blue jersey agents offering me accommodation and rides of various sorts. But there was no-one meeting the train. There were no cries of, "Hey, mister, you need taxi?" Nobody approached me with an album full of pictures of hotels. I was perplexed. In every other city in Eastern Europe, the easiest way to find accommodation is to follow an old man back to his family-run apartment. (A warning: This is also the easiest way to end up bloodied and penniless in a dark Warsaw back street, but so far in my life I have a record that is better than 75% in this region, so it seems to be worth the risk. To keep your wits about you at all times is simply common sense, and hardly needs stating here.) At a bit of a loss, I was relieved to see an old man hobbling towards me, but when I read the note it turned out he was offering to sell me his daughter for marriage at a price of three and a half million kacks. He pointed to a girl standing at the end of the platform, and though she was pretty, there was no guarantee that this was the girl offered for sale. (While O does not have the same Minnesota Timberwolves #9 Ricky Rubio New Revolution 30 Swingman Road jersey number of unscrupulous businessmen as other places, the rise in tourism is sure to attract a simultaneous rise in people trying to profit from those visitors.) He cut his price to three million as I walked away, which when I checked the exchange rate later that day turned out to be just under seventeen pence.